If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
You Might Also Like
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?