If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
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[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
moms in horror movies
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.