If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
🤣🤣
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?