Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

I love wikipedia

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.