Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Animal poetry

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right