Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do

They’re the worst 😩

Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.