If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.