If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles