If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
no regrets
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.