If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
what’s really going on
