Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

Kids: What’s for supper?

Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.