Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Seems a bit forward

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

*pronounces surface like Versace*

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.