Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party