Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

New favorite tiktok

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy