I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess