If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber

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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies


Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.


It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go


We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.


Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.


Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better


Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.


Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills