@Mr_Kapowski

If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber

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@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@bourgeoisalien

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

@TweetsByTheTony

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@dad_chips

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

@TheAndrewNadeau

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

@ThugRaccoons

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills