If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
That’s enough internet for the day
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.