Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…