If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I’m pretty like a car crash.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???