Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
A roof is a house hat.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.