If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*