If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Still my favourite meme.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri