Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!