If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
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Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
There’s never enough good news
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Overindulged this afternoon.
