If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*