If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
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You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
every olympics i turn into this guy
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.