If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.