Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

All is fair in drunk and war.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Banana is the quietest snack

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me: