Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mean…but I did

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Love it! 👍😂

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.