If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Ugh
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Going to church you guys need anything
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
