If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.