If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online