If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat