Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Tower: Where are you, pilot?

Pilot: I’m over Cologne.

Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.