If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.