If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The old gods are rising again.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.