If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
no refunds
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*