Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER