If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*