Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Follow me for more life hacks.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Accurate

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in