If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
i want to work in this restaurant
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”