Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Put a ring on it

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

Do not go gentle into that good night,

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

me before I type out affect or effect