if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
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Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
why neck hurt
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”