if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please