Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Family Celebrity

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.