Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.