Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Customize Your Wedding.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.