Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

Why? Just why? 😂

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

I get distracted pretty eas

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening