If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain