If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
You Might Also Like
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Inside you there are two wolves
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
this made my day 😂
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I love it
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.