If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
You Might Also Like
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Body by burrito
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops