If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
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As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.