Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.