If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.