Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

School be like

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

can you read it!!??

maan!