Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time