if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding