Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.