if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
just pretend nothing happened
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020