if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
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I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]