If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
You Might Also Like
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life