If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.