If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
You Might Also Like
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
When you have to use a public restroom.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.