Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?