Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

True freaking story!

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

peak technology

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.