If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine