Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend