If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I will never stop laughing at this
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Your mother has terrible taste in children.