If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00