Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad