If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You Might Also Like
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
shut up and take my money
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.