If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!