If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
that’s really how it is
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
And then there were 4
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G