If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
You Might Also Like
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.