Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.