Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Muppet Screams

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Mike is short for Micycle

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night