if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
it must be school picture day
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me