if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.