genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed