Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My life in a nutshell
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
This anagram machine is out of order.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up